The Scandal Files
by Junipertree
Summary: Alanna stuffs her bra... Daine doesn't shave her legs... Chapter 6 up- this is veeeeery weird.
1. Alanna

This was an idea of mine…

This was an idea of mine…. But I never really got it going. So here we have something I hope is vaguely funny… PS. I haven't read Squire. I almost NEVER buy a book in hardcover- even the best. So I guess I'll have to wait. *sigh*.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of Tamora Pierce's stuff, so don't sue me. I also do not own Pringles, or the song Bitchney Spears by Weird Al.

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The Scandal Files: Alanna

King Jonathan reclined in his hammock, sipping lemonade. Beside him were Lord Wyldon of Cavall, Numair, Sir Gareth of Naxen, Prime Minister (the younger), and Sir Raoul of Goldenlake, Knight Commander of the King's Own. They were all settled down, quite relaxed, indulging in some 'guy talk'.

"Hey, Raoul," said Jon. "What dirt have you got on Alanna?

Raoul tossed some Pringles in his mouth and crunched them thoughtfully. "Well, technically, I'm not supposed to tell you…"

"Aw, come on!" the other guys whined. "Tell us!"

He grinned. "All right." He reached into the bag at his side and pulled out a large bra, and tossed it around. The guys gave cat-calls and laughs, noting the large amounts of flim-flam and lace.

"The padding on this thing is like an inch thick!" Said Raoul. "Whose is this?"

Raoul smothered outright laughter. "Alanna's."

The guys hooted and passed the brazier around, tossing it in the air. Wyldon caught it and swung it around for a while, then put it on.

"Hel-lo, boys!" He said in a falsetto voice, batting his eyelashes. "Anyone need a bedwarmer?" Wyldon giggled, and pranced about in a circle.

Then George came in.

He stalked over to Wyldon, and put out one hand. "Give it over." Wyldon choked back hysterics and took it off, handing it to George.

George shook his head in disbelief. "You guys all suck! _This_ is how you mock Alanna." George then put on the bra, and started singing.

"Oh booby booby, my chest was supposed to grow

My cleavage wasn't right, no

Oh booby booby

My breasts are completely faux

And now my sweater's tight!"

He swung his hips in a provocative manner, and continued singing as high as he could.

"My chest flatness was killin' me

I must confess- I paid for these

(paid for these)"

George was now sitting in Gary's lap, stoking his hair. (***A/N: Oh, George, we never knew!***) 

"Make my boobies one more size!"

Then Alanna came in.

She stalked up to George, and growled, "What is the meaning of this?!?" 

George blushed and stuttered, "Uh, I think this is yours…" he handed her the bra.

Alanna snatched it from his grip, and turned it over in her hands. "You idiots! This isn't my bra!"

"Then whose is it?" Jon taunted.

Alanna stared at him, straight in the eye. "You dimbulb, this is Thayet's bra!" Jon turned beet red.

"Aw, Al," George teased. "We all knew that. _Your_ bras have twice as much padding." 

Alanna, blushing furiously, threw the bra in his face and stalked out, hysterical laughter following her.

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Ok, so that was weird. I hope it provided some kind of entertainment for you people!


	2. Daine and Numair

The Scandal Files: Daine

I don't know if anyone finds this interesting… but hell, I'm doing it anyway. And Daine is rather OOC here… I'm not really trashing her, she's just REALLY OOC. Numy too. And I stole the term 'fat, hairy-legged and manless' from Bloom County (my second favorite comic strip, right after On the Fastrack). It's a direct quote from Quiche Lorraine, Bobbi Harlow's cousin. Steve Dallas was dating Quiche at the time, but he really had the hots for Bobbi, who thought he was a superficial pervert (rightfully). Whoa, am I getting off track…

** **

The Scandal Files: Daine and Numair

Daine rolled over in bed, pushing Numair right off and onto the floor. Cursing, he rubbed his bleary eyes and levered himself off the cold hardwood floor, ready to give Daine a tongue-lashing.

His lover rolled over again and one leg poked out from under the sheets. 

One long, lithe, _hairy_ leg. It looked like Daine hadn't shaved in like a week. Or more. How could he not have noticed?

"Uh, Daine," he said, shaking her awake. "I just happened to notice…"

Daine cracked open one eye. "Whaddaya want? I'm trying to get some shut-eye, here."

Numair blushed. "Well, I just happened to notice your legs…"

Daine opened the other eye. "What about them?"

"Well, they look kind of hairy…"

"Numair, does the term 'liberated woman' mean anything to you?" Daine said tiredly.

"Fat, hairy-legged, and manless."

Daine kicked Numair in the snoot. "Jerk! I bet you don't shave _your_ legs!" 

"Uh- well, actually-" one leg poked out from under his nightrobe, revealing lily-soft, perfectly smooth skin.

Daine took one look at him and burst out laughing. "Don't tell me- you shave your chest hair, too!" Numair only blushed and averted her gaze, which only made her laugh harder.

"Please tell me you don't shave your bikini zone!" she coughed out, through hysterics. She'd never really paid attention to it before, but… Numair turned purple and Daine ran out of the room into the privy, the thin walls barely muffling her hysterical laughter.

~*~

Around noon, Numair had King Jonathan as a guest to lunch. 

Halfway through, Jon said, "Numair, I hear an odd noise."

Numair hastily tried to cover it up. "Uh, it's nothing, your majesty…"

Jonathan wrinkled his eyebrows. "No, I think it's coming from the privy." And before Numair could stop him, Jonathan went through the bedroom to open the door to the privy. 

Inside, he saw Daine, sitting on the loo, laughing and laughing and laughing. Abruptly she stopped. "Numair shaves his pubies!" she said, and burst out laughing again.

Jon joined her, laughing so hard he fell down and clutched his sides, pounding the ground as tears came out of his eyes.

And Numair just stood there, blushing furiously.

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I hope that was mildly entertaining. It was sure as hell fun for me to write! Review! 


	3. Myles and Eleni

Wow

Wow! I had such a response I just had to do more. Oh, and by the way, someone whose name I forget, OOC stands for Out Of Character. Was that Something Aladaine? This chapter is kind of silly… Anyway, a Cleon one is on the way! Right now is…

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The Scandal Files: Myles and Eleni

"So all you need to do, basically, is tidy up things while we are gone." Myles concluded. 

Lalasa nodded. "Of course. It shouldn't take me but a minute, Sir Myles. I do hope you have a nice trip to the Yamanis."

"I'll bring you back something nice!" Myles called over his shoulder. 

~*~

A couple days later, Lalasa came back to Sir Myles's rooms in the palace. It was quite a nice suite, just right for a man entering his 'golden age'.

Suddenly an irresistible urge washed over her, an urge to paw through Myles's and Eleni's stuff. _Now why would I do that?_ She asked herself.

__

*Because it is vital to the plot of this fic,* came a voice in her head. Shrugging, Lalasa obeyed the voice. She opened a trunk in the inner room labeled 'Eleni'.

"Clothing, souvenirs, a collection of silverware, extra pillows, Depends, family heirlooms-" Lalasa did a double-check. "_Depends?_" she picked up the opened package and read the label on the back.

__

"Have you ever felt wetness where there should be dry? Do you worry about cleaning your underwear of unmentionable liquid without anyone noticing? If the answer is yes, then you may need Depends. 

Depends protects against even the most active of bladders, making sure-"

Lalasa stopped reading. "O-kay." After pawing around some more, she found a large pile of used Depends on the bottom of Eleni's trunk. Shuddering, she put everything carefully away and went on Myles's things.

"Clothing, souvenirs, extra blankets, winter jacket, secret compartment, shoes- _secret compartment?_" Lalasa was intrigued. Flipping the hidden catch (***no, I do NOT know how she knew it was there***) she opened the lid, eyes widening. 

It was the Motherlode. A huge collection of Playboy magazines, dating back to the first issue, as well as an extensive collection of nude figurines and things better left unsaid. Lalasa riffled through the lot, whistling in awe. Wait a minute- 

Near the bottom there was a single issue of Playgirl with a note on it saying, "Wrong magazine. Just wasted three coppers." 

Lalasa drew out the magazine and flipped through it with glazed eyes.

~*~

"Oh, Myles, that was such an interesting trip! Such sights! Such sounds!" Eleni pushed open the door to their rooms. And then she stopped dead, right at the door to the bedroom. "My gods-"

Myles came up to see what was so shocking.

There was Lalasa, lying on her stomach in the middle of the room, looking like she hadn't washed or changed clothes for nearly a week, besides being horribly dehydrated, reading the same issue of Playgirl over and over. 

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That was twisted. Veeeery twisted. Review!


	4. Cleon

He he! I plan on doing ten chapters of these things- each sicker than the last! Enjoy! PS- I am well aware that Joren's dead. Tough. He's too good a character to let go! Anyway, I think this chapter is more sick than funny, read it at your own risk…

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The Scandal Files: Cleon

Kel yawned and opened the lock to her room, and kicking the door shut behind her. All she wanted to do was plop down on the bed and fall asleep- but not yet, she had a whole crapload of homework to do first.

Hey- there was something odd. There was an unopened letter on the bed. Curious, she cut it open with her belt knife and read it.

She wished she hadn't.

__

My dear pearl, it read,

__

You are in my heart always. Just thinking about your pussy makes me so horny I cannot walk three steps without screwing some inanimate object.

The rest of the letter was worse. And, and the very end, it was _signed 'Always ready to spoil your virginity, Cleon._'

Kel carefully folded up the note and hid it between her bed and her mattress to read some other time.

~*~

After tidying up Kel's room, Lalasa really had nothing to do, and was feeling bored. But wait- there was a note on her bed! What could it be?

__

My dear pearl, it read,

__

You are in my heart always. Just thinking about your pussy makes me so horny I cannot walk three steps without screwing some inanimate object…

~*~

Neal walked into his room, ready to hit the books. But wait- there was a note on his bed! He opened it, and read it curiously.

__

My dear pearl, it read,

__

You are in my heart always…

A very disturbed Neal carefully wadded the paper into a ball and threw it in the fire, making sure every bit of it was burned before he did his homework.

~*~

Merric walked into his rooms, and was quite surprised to see a note on his bed. Understandably curious, he opened it and read it. 

__

My dear pearl…

With each word his jaw dropped in shock. How could Cleon know his secret- how could Cleon know that Merric, actually- Mary, was a girl?

~*~

Joren went into his room to find a note on his bed. Whoever could it be from?

With each word, he was even more disturbed. _Oh, my, gods._

~*~

That night, many other people received the same note. The next morning will be a very interesting one…

~*~

Kel walked towards Cleon's room, determined to set this whole mess right. But what she didn't know was that many others were doing the same thing…

As she approached his door, she started hearing some odd sounds. It sounded disturbingly like moans of pleasure. As she approached Cleon's door, the sounds got louder. 

Kel knocked. No answer. So she just pushed open the door. There was Cleon, lying in the bed, both hands down his pants, oblivious to anything else. Slowly Kel backed up and ran away as fast as she could.

Five minutes later, Merri- er, Mary was walking down the hall to Cleon's room. H- She ran into the room, put her arms around him, and gave him a big kiss on the lips. "Oh, Cleon!" she said. "I knew you loved me!" then she turned bright red and ran out the door.

Five minutes later Joren walked down the hall to Cleon's room. He came right up to Cleon. 

"Cleon, I don't know if this is some sort of pathetic prank pulled by you and your friends, but it isn't funny at all. Playing with my emotions like that-" he sniffed, a big fat tears rolling down his cheek. Suddenly he burst into tears. "How could you do this to me!" he bawled. "You're so meeeeeeaaaan!" he ran out the door sobbing.

Neal came up to the door. "Cleon, you have a sick, sick, sick mind."

Many other people came up to Cleon, asking about the note. Cleon was oblivious to all of them, his entire world was just him and his johnson. Finally he was done.

"Oh, darn," he said. "No one responded to my note. I was going to throw a party. Oh, well." He stuck his hands back down his pants.

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Gawd, I'm sick! Well, if you didn't get the implications on that throw a party thing, good, keep your innocence… Anyway, I'm visiting my brother in Vancouver tomorrow (ten hour car trip- gag!) and I'll be away for four or five days, so any sequel will have to wait. Toodles!


	5. Jon and Thayet

I'm ba-ack

I'm ba-ack! And the latest one is sooooo twisted… Jon fans, kill me now… Thayet fans, wait in line… and a few other fans that if I said, it would give it all away… More OOCness. I simply cannot write a good humor fic with everyone in character. I just _can't._ Whatever, enjoy. Warning: very, very, VERY sick. Even borderline R, though I still think PG13 is best.

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The Scandal Files: Jon & Thayet

Queen Thayet of Tortall edged around the wall, peering around the corner. If Jon saw her…

He'd been suspicious lately, and with cause. Thayet hadn't been as vigorous in bed lately, and she hoped he'd chalk it all up to old age. Little did he know she was having a secret affair… 

It wasn't the kind of affair that you could walk away from with a rap on the knuckles. If Jon found out, Thayet was facing divorce and/or forced abdication. Buri and Onua knew about it- but they'd promised to keep their mouths shut, as they had their own dark secrets as well. (***A/N: hint hint, I'm gonna do chapters on them, too***) 

Thayet slowly opened the door to her and Jon's rooms…

~*~

Jon moaned in pleasure, running his tongue up and down his secret lover's body. Ooh, this one was good, very good. So much better than Thayet, these days. She had just lost her oomph. That little special something that made her great in bed. Ah, well, he'd only married her for her looks, anyway. Not that _she_ knew that! _I swear,_ he thought,_ women will believe anything you say. 'I love you, I am ever yours, my darling, ah, that blowjob is heavenly…' so gullible. Ever so gullible._ Speaking of blowjob, the one he was getting right now was masterful- this lover must have studied it for years, to bring it to such an art.

He was shaken from the throes of sexual passion by the opening of the door.

__

Oh, crap! He thought. _Not Thayet! Anyone else would have knocked- but if she comes in- with me in this position- oh, gods, I am gonna be screwed!_ He paused to think. _Oh wait- I am._

Thayet opened the door and looked around cautiously, as if to check that there was no one there. Her eyes moved past the bed- and flicked back, wide-eyed, double-taking this embarrassing scene.

"Oh. My. Gods." The Queen of Tortall just stood there, door wide open, staring at her husband and his lover. Some stray courtiers in the hall came to see what she was staring at, and then stood behind her, transfixed with a mix of horror, disgust, shock, hysterics, and amusement.

"Oh. My. Gods." She repeated. "Sir Joren of Stone Mountain, why are you sucking my husband's dick!?"

The King disentangled himself from Joren, standing up to face Thayet. He was completely nude, causing some of the female courtiers to blush and avert their eyes, and others to stare at his willy in fascination.

"I suppose my sexual desires must disgust some of you," he said, "But yes, I am a bi."

Joren took that moment to run out of the room stark naked, both hands over his privates. The courtiers moved aside to let him through.

Mutters came from the small crowd that had gathered here. "What about Joren?" someone asked.

Jon blinked. "Oh yeah. He's gay."

"Oh, darn," Kel muttered.

"I demand you abdicate in my favor!" Thayet said. "This has put the entire name of Conté to shame! How dare you- you-"

"Ah, but Thayet, dear," Jonathan raised a finger. "You have yet to tell these good people about _your_ little affair.

The crowd gasped collectively, and heated arguments began.

"Yes, Thayet," Jonathan continued, motioning for silence, "You seem to have forgotten your rather unseemly affair- with Tkaa!"

The crowd broke into yelling arguments at that, as Tkaa pushed his way through the masses of people. He put his arm around Thayet's shoulders protectively. "Do you want to dispute my relationship with Thayet, mortal?"

"Call me mortal, will you, you- you rock-head!"

"Oh yeah? You wanna make somethin' out of it?" Tkaa balled his claws into fists as he and Jonathan circled each other menacingly.

"Pimp!"

"Wuss!"

"Gigolo!"

"Sissy!"

"Alanna wannabe!"

That was what set it off. Jon lunged at Tkaa, punching and kicking like a maniac. Tkaa backed up and Jon jeered, but his retreat was only to pick up a chair from behind him and throw it in Jon's face, then leaping on top of him.

"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" the crowd yelled. 

Tkaa flipped Jon over and twisted both arms behind his back, and Jon whined like a baby. "Mercy! Mercy! Uncle! Uncle! JEST FRIGGIN' LET ME GO!!!"

Tkaa twisted harder, and Jon yelped. "Only if you willingly crown me King, with Thayet at my side." 

"Anything! Anything!" Jon said, tears running down his cheeks. "Just let me go!"

"Do I have your oath?" Tkaa twisted harder.

"Anything! I swear forever just let me goooooooo! MOMMY!"

Tkaa released Jonathan, where the ex-King of Tortall lay whimpering on the floor.

"I am your new King!" Tkaa yelled, and the crowd cheered.

"Uh- wait a sec-" Daine said. "How can an immortal rule mortal people?"

Tkaa shrugged. "To hell with that. I am your new King!" he said, and the crowd cheered again.

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Oh, dear gods, I loved that! Whatever anyone thinks, I was laughing my ass off all through writing that. Review!


	6. Neal

Well, since ffn is going to be out for a while, I might as well do some more stuff

Well, since ffn is going to be out for a while, I might as well do some more stuff. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to lay out this one, I'm just doing it word by word. Whatever, hope it's good! Plus I have no idea if Neal can whistle. PS, though I haven't read Squire, this is staged after Squire.

This chapter is sooo weird, it doesn't even make sense after the first page. You have been warned!

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The Scandal Files: Neal

Neal walked along the Corus streets, whistling a cheerful tune as he turned into an alley called Sloure. No one knew he was here, and that's the way he wanted it to stay. A short ways into the alley, he opened a door to the right. The door was moldy and rotting off its hinges, but this was merely to camouflage what lay within. He entered a second door and walked into a cozy room with a roaring fireplace, and was immediately waited on by the Mistress, who took his jacket and hat and placed them on the rack by the inner door.

"Who shall it be tonight, young master?" The Mistress Thia said.

"Hmm…" Neal pondered. "I feel like someone different tonight. I need variety."

"You're just in luck." The Mistress bobbed her head. "We have a new girl today, who just switched Houses. I think you'll like her."

Neal smiled. "Excellent!" he dropped two silver coins into the Mistress's waiting hand, and climbed the familiar stairs.

"Third door to your right!" she called after him.

Neal reached the top on the staircase and counted the doors until he got to the third. He knocked politely, and waited for the girl to answer.

The door opened, and a tall, lithe woman stepped out. She was wearing next to nothing, save some strategically placed scarves. And yet, somehow she looked familiar… She grinned slyly and grabbed his arm, pulling him inside- she was stronger than she looked.

Neal enjoyed this one very much- she knew his every desire.

"I hope you enjoyed that as much as I." She said when they were done.

Then it clicked. When he finally heard her voice-

"Kel!"

Keladry shrugged. "Hey, I gotta make money somehow. And you seemed to enjoy it."

"No kidding." After a two-hour session with her, Neal could barely move.

"Just keep it quiet, okay?" Neal nodded.

~*~

It was a week later, and Neal had chosen Kel every night- the Mistress had upped the price for her, but man, was it worth it. 

Tonight he was trying something different. It was Kel's day off, and she was in her rooms doing whatever it is knights do in their spare time.

Neal came to her door, rapped three times, and waited for her to come out. She opened the door, and Neal produced from behind his back a big bouquet of roses.

"Did you steal those from the Palace gardens?" Kel accused.

Neal turned red and mumbled something incomprehensible, then invited himself in, closing the door behind him.

"Neal, I can't say your presence is welcome. I've got a lot of work to catch up on, so this had better be good."

Neal decided to take some drastic action- this wasn't going at all the way he had planned it. He rushed forward and took Kel in his arms. "Well?" he said, "How about it?

"Neal, it's my day off."

"Can you not do it for love?"

Suddenly Kel pushed him away. "No, evil knight! Kisseth me not!"

"But Kel-"

"Fie on you, who would spoil my virgin flesh!"

"Virgin flesh?"

"But no!" Kel put her hand to her breast. "I shall be loyal to my man, my One True Love." Somehow she even managed to say the capitals.

"One true love-"

"My honorable knight, who shineth in his armor bright-"

"Shineth?'

"He is loyal, handsome, dashing-"

"Kel-"

"Wonderous, brave, kind-"

"Kel, who is this-"

"Chaste, moral, stumpy-"

Neal blinked. "Wait a minute- _stumpy?_" Then it clicked. "Kel, are you having an affair with Wyldon of Cavall?"

The door burst open at that very moment, and Lord Wyldon of Cavall came to his lover's side. "Feareth not, Fair Maiden!" he said. "Is this Dishonorable Man seeking to Soileth you with his Foul Ways?"

"Soileth?" Neal blinked again, as if said action would make him wake up or something.

"Backeth off, Demon of the Darkness!" Wyldon bellowed. "Stayeth awayeth from my One True Love!"

Neal backed away slowly. "Uh…"

"Thou Evil Arm of Chaos! I shall Cleanse thee with my Sacred Sword!" still speaking in capitals, Wyldon whipped out a huge dick- and in black ink, 'Ex-Caliber' was written on it.

Suddenly something completely overtook Neal. "Mua ha ha ha ha!" he laughed. "Little did you knoweth I was having an affair with yon fair maiden!" he said, drawing his dick as well- and suddenly he noticed Kel was wearing a long, flowing dress with hair down to her waist.

"She will beareth thee no child!" Neal continued. "Little did you know that your fair wife was barren! She loveth me more than thee, you who calleth yourself King! And I have the aid of one who will killeth you given half a chance!"

Suddenly Cleon burst into the room, waving _his_ dick. "Faaaather!" he cried.

"Stayeth Awayeth from me, Mordred! Touch not my Fair Gwynhefar!" 

"No, Arthur, I shall not! As I am destined to killeth you, so I will!" Cleon ran forward and decapitated Wyldon with one chop.

"Now, my beloved!" Neal swept Kel into his arms. "Telleth me you never loved that man!"

"No, fair Lancelot," she said. "I haveth eyes onlyeth for you."

Then Lalasa burst into the room. "Ah, you have killethed my dear brother!" she said. "Oh, woe that I was ever born! Poor, dear, Arthur, you nevereth hadeth a chance!" And Lalasa bore Wyldon away.

"Waseth that not Morgan le Fay?" Cleon said. 

"But Mordred!" Neal said. "You are supposed to beth dead byeth now!"

"Alas!" Cleon mourned. "I can remembereth not who was supposed to haveth killethed me!"

"I canneth solveth that problem," Neal said, and killed Cleon.

Suddenly everything halted to a stop.

"Cut, cut, cut, CUT!" came a voice. "Who the hell wrote this- some Tamora pierce fan who can't even remember how The Once and Future King was supposed to end!?!

I gave a little cough. "Uh… yeah…"

"And Lancelot wasn't evil!!"

I sighed. "Allright. None of this ever happened. It was all a dream. It was all a dream…"

~*~

Kel woke up suddenly, then lay back down on the bed, relieved. "It was all a dream…" she said. Then she rolled over, and her hand knocked into something warm beside her.

It was Wyldon.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

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How was **that, **huh? Review!


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